I have become ‘persona non grata’* in social circles. A societal wallflower; an apparition.
I am 63, white (well, really I’m beigey-tan), moderately-conservative, and a Christ-follower. I am also a grandmother as well as a mother and a mother-in-law. All those things can send me into a corner socially, because--face it—some of those things that I am are so not de rigueurs** these days.
Because I am a grandmother, I am judged to be too far removed from remembering what it was like to parent. Therefore, because I am not schooled in the latest-greatest parenting philosophies, my opinion on mothering techniques are too ‘horse and buggy’.
Because I lean conservatively, I am viewed to be less educated, too harsh, unfeeling, uncaring, thoughtless, brainless…well, this list could go on ad infinitum, especially in light of the recent antics served up during the Senate Judicial Committee’s hearing for the latest Supreme Court Justice nominee.
I have become afraid to add my two cents to a conversation. I hesitate to jump in because words are morphing into different meanings in our culture. During conversations, I find myself taking a brief inventory of what's kosher (is this a wrong word choice, too?). Will what I innocently say be interpreted through a PC Filter? Am I risking being termed a bigot, an ultra-conservative, a racist, a hater? I know my heart and intentions, but I've been politely asked to rethink what I just said, because “don’t you think what you just shared is racist?”
Because I am under-educated (my terminology, as I only earned a high school diploma), I find myself locked out of conversations as if I wouldn’t have anything to contribute. Or worse, I feel patronized as an older woman who doesn’t know enough current information to give an informed viewpoint (or the correct viewpoint).
Because of my age, I attend fewer and fewer small groups that are by invitation--whether a baby shower, bible study or impromptu gathering. At church, there are moms of tots groups and moms-of-all-ages-and-stages groups, but what about the grandmothers and the young or older single non-mom women? And really, I had to think to myself, “am I a part of the ‘ages and stages’ group or does it just mean women with kids at home”? I didn’t know. I had to ask. Really.
What we value (not what we believe) deeply effects our attitudes. Our attitudes dictate our actions. And our actions reinforce what we really and truly value. I think we need to be clear with our values. I will prove what I value by where I spend my money and time and resources.
What are you proving you value? Where are you putting your money, time and resources? If you say you value the older generation's experience and wisdom, but hang with your “age and stage” group, do you understand the message that may be sending?
Believing that the insights and life experience of those who happen to be one or two generations removed is important. But it is NOT the same as valuing their insights and experience enough to solicit, heed and emulate them.
I reflected upon my years as a young single woman and later as an active mom (kids living at home) and thought about the circles of connection I moved in. Did I select only young single women to hang with? Was I drawn only to the women who had kids close to my kids’ ages? Or did I try to “reach across the aisle” to young college-aged women, career women with kids, non-mom women and older women (gray haired)?
Frankly, I did hang with a wide variety of women—young and not so young; career-driven and kid-driven; type-A personalities and chill personalities; those whose political convictions were similar to mine and not very, at all. I instinctively knew that I needed balance in my friendships. I not only had friends my age, but I hung-out with older women whom I observed had personalities that I wanted to be more like. Through observation and conversation I grew and stretched in a wide variety of ways.
Some helped me to crawl out of my shell and dare to do something I would only dream of doing. Others tried to help me understand an “opposite” viewpoint when I was entrenched and stood on my mountain of self-righteousness, holding the banner high. My free-spirited friends helped give bend to my stick-straight views in the non-essential things of life.
As a younger woman I gained much from friendships with older women. And now, as an older woman, I have been blessed by being given entree’ into younger women’s lives, for the purpose of pouring into them and giving encouragement. However, in our youth-obsessed culture, we have a long way to go in valuing an older generation for their life experiences and wisdom gained over the decades.
What an undervalued, underutilized segment of the population we oldies-but-goodies are. There's still much that can be passed down from one generation to the next—if only minds and hearts are opened to see past gray hair and wrinkled skin, bent posture and slowing movement, and value the real treasure deposited inside the old cracked vessel.
Perhaps each generation has to do the hard stuff of life (learning by doing), then grow old and become underutilized and undervalued. Maybe that’s life’s cycle…with hindsight nearer the closure of life.
I hope not.
I can choose to feel discounted, underutilized, weak and useless…or not.
Maybe I am the proverbial “little old lady”, but in my heart and mind I'm forever young:
*Merriam-Webster’s explanation is: personally unacceptable or unwelcome
**prescribed or required by fashion, etiquette, or custom